School's in!

Mr Sathan says only lunatics bathe in the middle of the night at 2am.
Mr Ng always say, "Hey folks"
Mr Goh mumbles to himself during class.
Ms Mok's shopping mall lectures are real bore.
Mrs Chia has a weird accent and weird dress sense, but she's a nice lady.
Mrs Lee likes boys.

Grandmother's silent words,

I spent my afternoon at Grandmother's a few days ago, I feel much better being around her.

She is one amazing woman. I can sit still for the whole day listening to her talk about the family history. How she brought up ten children with the family so poor that she took up multiple jobs and worked day and night. How she survived through the discrimination others had on her family and proved everyone wrong.

I always ask about the fire that burnt down the previous house at River Valley. How everyone got out unscathed. How everything took a better turn after that. How did everyone feel that they are really lucky to be living and to have each other in their lives.

Everytime, everytime all these events are awakening to me. It makes me realise time and time again, that I have a family so strong who supports me silently behind and never expects anything in return. Grandmother made me feel that it's such a minor matter, what's going on between Shaun and I, and I'm wasting time worrying about all that.

I was sitting at dinner, listening to how my grandparents bicker. How my grandfather would call her "Old Woman" in Hokkien. How my grandmother complain to me things that he do to irritate her. How she would roll her eyes saying, "60 years and you still have that bad habit." How grandfather would make that 'yakking' motion with his hand while she is complaining away, and make me laugh.

They stuck to each other's side against all odds to make the family stay together. To care for and nuture their children, teaching them life values which my uncles and aunts I have and love, possess.

I admire the love they share, and thankful that I was part of it. I love my grandmother, and the beautiful words she brought across to me that afternoon without the need of a voice.

I have to put my heart down. I have to move on. I need closure.

The other side you didn't know,

I am posting what I'm going through for the ones I love, and the people who care for me, to know.

I'm not doing this hoping that Shaun would read because that is nearly impossible. He never remembers what this blog address is, and was never interested to read about what I have to say online. He did tell me once, "There is no need for me to read it all there when I know them better from you."

I have thought that it was a bad thing, he never knows how I feel after quarrels. He never knows that actually I was not really angry over whatever he did, I was just being mad for the sake of doing so. He never knows how much I miss him when we don't see each other for days/weeks, when I say "It's okay, I know you have work to do." If he reads, all those things would be easily understood and he would know what I want, and how I feel. Everything would have been easier isn't it?

Now, there's no need for me to pose an emotion or a feeling just because I'm afraid that he will be reading. It is a good thing after all.

I know I'm much at fault too.

There was an mis-interpretation. I know Shaun was really upset over the text I sent him when I was in Vietnam, not appreciating what he has gone through pains to do.

So I should blame myself for doing that and caused what is happening now? No. I know it's a different thing all together.

I'm dropping the pieces slowly so I'll be ready to give up when the truth gets coming. It sounds as if I have no faith in him or our r/s. The opposite party is being wishy-washy, it won't do me good clinging on. Because, it takes two to make things work.

He needs such a long time to make a decision about our relationship which I thought was strong to overcome anything. Shaun's cowardice and procrastination is hurting me.

And if this was the pain he wanted me go through, Congratulations to him.
But, I don't want him to have the last laugh.

Drinking tea,

Right, I don’t know how I should start this. I’m not sure if I’ll say what is going on with two hands down that I’m positive about it.

Things took another step deeper into complications over the weekend.

The tables are turned and the decision, I can’t do anything to assure it would be in my way. I panicked when he said he needs to sort out his feelings. It’s no longer a thing between me and Shaun. The circle has gotten bigger with an additional member of his side. Though I don’t know the exact story behind it even though I held back the tears and persuaded it to be told, but I could figure it out somehow. Imaginations can run wild, but I’m pretty happy and satisfied with what I imagined it to be.

And to think of it, what if it is judged my way? Things would be still different from the way I wanted and hoped it to be, back to the same ol’ cycle. Honestly, I would have much prefer the same cycle compared to the opposite of it, judging the circumstances now.
I’ve never heard of S talking to me like a stranger on the phone urging me to hang up every minute, repeating asking me not to pressurize him to say anything because he wouldn’t. On the other hand, he asks me not to think much about it; he would solve this on his own and let me know the answer when it ends.

Yeah. Your ex-boyfriend whom you still love tells you someone else is in the picture; you drink a cup of tea.

I felt like a disgusting woman begging to know the truth over the phone last night. I was feeling sorry for myself crying and I was lost for words. What I wanted to say was more than what I said, but I decide I shouldn’t be making me feel disgusted with myself further. The lump in my throat was huge. He wanted three weeks to think.

You will know how it will come to an end in three weeks; you make yourself a pot of tea.

I’m getting myself to be ready if the blow hits me, that someone is a person I know, a friend maybe. Who ever it will be. You go super girl. I want to know what that person did or what S did to make it seem so difficult to make a decision now when I am sure five days ago he was still the Shaun I knew.

You're going to know who the person coming in the circle is, you drink a cup of tea.

As for now, there is nothing else I can do. Feels like I have no arms. I’m a prize hanging from the tree, dangling, have no say which way the wind will make me sway. It’s either wait for someone to untie me down and treasure this prize, or to be wacked like a piñata again and again until my insides comes spilling out with sweets. Everyone would be rushing for the treats, and kick the empty piñata shell out of their way.

There is nothing you can do to save the situation now; you pour yourself a cup of tea.

And wait, for the dreaded phone call.

Times yellowed,

I got better on Thursday morning. Now I'm back from trial camp, I'm down with flu again.
Camp wasn't all jolly and fun. But I did have a good talk with the class girls, staying up a little late.

Met the clique for dinner last night at Fins before Ritz leaves for Melb on Sunday.
Fins Fish & Chips are gooood. Nice.
I always enjoy Clique's company no matter where we go, even if I'm not the one doing the talking, or being talked to at that moment.
We don't mind talking about secondary school times over and over again,
and laugh silly at the stupid things we used to do during break times and on everyone's birthdays.
I really do wish to have a complete gathering where everyone turns up but I know it's rather difficult to do so now.

I have exactly 16 days left before school reopens. Oh man :(
Make use of it make use of it make use of it.

I would run away as far as I could,

I was back in Sing on Sunday but was too lazy to post.

Camp is tomorrow, and I'm feeling really sick now.
I stayed home the whole day except for dinner out and I was feeling so weak to even make lunch for myself.

I hate being unwell and sad and lifeless. I should not even get my hopes up only to make myself disappointed.
But at least now I get the clear picture, you have not change at all. I thought, I thought you said this was the wake up call.
You will make the best out of things now, you will make everything better.
Your words are still lies and you're unrealiable.

I feel so disgusted to even talk to you.